My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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