i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
