is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
