I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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