If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
