what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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