Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
