When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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