a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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