I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize