His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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