i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
