Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
