Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
