just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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