Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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