allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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