I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
