I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
