You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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