dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize