I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
