I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
