I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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