if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
