i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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