Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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