I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
