I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
