I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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