We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
