If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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