You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
