capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If I die, sorry about rent.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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