he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I wear drunk well.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
