So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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