You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize