It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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