It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
