im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
