i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
