Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
