The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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