I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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