You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
