I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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