farters have to be the big spoon...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
