Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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