every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
