i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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