I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
