We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
