since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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