wakey wakey hands off snakey
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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