So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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