Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
