it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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