we have officially lost it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
