Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
