Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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